at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
