theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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