someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
