You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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