mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
