I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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