My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
