What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
