I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Randomize
