theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
