I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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