We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
