There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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