Your dad touched me again.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
