the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
