well I can't set my house on fire every night
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
