So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
