I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
