Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
