I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
