Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
