Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
