I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
