Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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