I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Randomize
