p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i believe in u and ur pee
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
