True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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