After last night, I could never be a politician.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
