Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
