i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
