she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
