I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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