Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
