I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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