She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
