after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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