Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
