I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
