How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
