just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
