If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
