I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
