i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
