My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize