Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
