the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
im having a threesome with these popsicles
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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