he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
