pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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