Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
