I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
