A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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