I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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