I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
