Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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